I love desperation 🖤🖤
I had one of those weekends this weekend where I hadn’t made too many plans in advance, and I just allowed myself to feel each moment what wanted to happen next. On Saturday, I ended up in my kitchen for hours and hours, creating and pouring love into my food. I made nut butter, spicy roasted garbanzo beans, cashew milk, protein balls, and all other sorts of things. I didn’t have a plan or vision, I just kept following the next true thing over and over, until I was dancing my ass off, ingredients strewn about the kitchen. Laughing, playing, and so giddy about my creations.
And as I stood there in my kitchen just REALLY feeling myself 🤣, I thought about what motivated me to put so much care and attention into my food in the first place. Until about five years ago, my version of cooking was picking up something in the Trader Joe’s frozen section and maybe adding a vegetable to it if I was feeling extra motivated. 😱
But the thing that really shifted things for me was absolute utter DESPERATION. I was a few years into my multiple sclerosis diagnosis, and I just got very clear that I no longer wanted to be on pharmaceutical drugs. The drugs were wreaking havoc on my immune system (which is sort of by design with immunosuppressants). And I was just done. I saw the longer game and just honestly couldn’t imagine a life relying on these drugs to keep me at a baseline level of health. Even though I was generally feeling “fine” with very few symptoms, I could feel the grim energy of my future with these drugs.
And that is not the future I wanted.
And so, I hired a healer who helped me start healing with food. And that meant I needed to learn to cook real, whole foods. I needed to stop drinking altogether. I needed to avoid gluten and dairy.
And there were days when I remember feeling absolutely HOPELESS in this transition. Days where I was hungry because I just didn’t know fully how to nourish my body in this new way. Days where I was like, “WHAT AM I EVEN DOING???
IS THIS EVEN WORKING????
DOES THIS EVEN FUCKING MATTER???
HOW THE FUCK DID SHE SAY I’M SUPPOSED TO ROAST THIS GARLIC?!?!”
🤣
But, I was at the point where I was willing to try absolutely anything to support my health. It was the first time I was willing to take full responsibility for my diagnosis and try something radically different than the path I was on.
And it got easier. It got better. And there have been many bumps in the road since then, but I feel so grateful for that “on my hands and knees moment” I had with myself, really choosing to create something different.
I will say that now, the energy I have with my healing path with my body is less about desperation and more about commitment. I’m strength training at the gym, I’m in my sauna, I’m mixing all my powders, making everything from scratch, and I’m healing my gut all because I say so and it’s what I decided. I do it because I take full responsibility for my health, on a body level and a spiritual level.
But I will ALWAYS feel grateful for the level of desperation that brought me to this path. I love that version of me that was willing to feel the desperation.
I took a poll on my Instagram yesterday, and I asked people if they are more motivated by inspiration or desperation. 82% of people said desperation, and 18% said inspiration. I was not the least bit surprised by this. We are humans. We just inherently LOVE the struggle.
So if you are in that camp of people who are motivated by desperation, I want so say, I see you. And it’s not a bad thing. Desperation can be a great motivator. 🤣And perhaps another day I’ll talk about inspiration (because it’s not just one or the other for me).
If you feel ready to make a choice for things to go differently, I’m here. Right now I’m offering 1 hour complimentary coaching sessions. One hour with me to focus on where you are spiritually, what you desire, and where you are getting stopped. One hour to slow down and fully feel yourself. Shoot me a message over on instagram to let me know about your desire.